Okay, remember back in February when I brought up sheath cleaning and proclaimed it was never gonna happen? (And You Thought Victoria’s Secret Was Racy?) Well, after further research, I now think it’s gonna have to happen. Luckily, I have found some expert guidance. Try not to spray sweet tea out your nose:

Mr. Hand

1. Check to make sure there are no prospective boyfriends, elderly neighbors, or Brownie troops with a line of sight to the proceedings. Though of course, they’re going to show up unexpectedly ANYWAY once you’re in the middle of things. Prepare a good explanation.
2. Trim your fingernails short. Assemble horse, hose, and your sense of humor (plus, ideally, Excalibur cleanser and perhaps thin rubber gloves).
3. Use hose (or damp sponge) to get the sheath and its inhabitant wet. Uh, that is, do this in a “civilized” fashion with due warning to the horse; he is apt to take offense if an icy-cold hose blasts unexpectedly into his personal regions.
4. Now introduce your horse to Mr. Hand. What I find safest is to stand facing the horse’s head, with my shoulder and hip snugly against the horse’s thigh and hip so that if he makes any suspicious move such as raising his leg, I can feel it right away and am in any case pressed so close that all he can do is shove, not really kick. The horse should be held by an assistant or by your free hand, not tied fast to a post or in crossties. He may shift around a good bit if he’s not happy with Mr. Hand’s antics, but don’t be put off by that; as long as you are patient and gradual, and stick close to his side, he’ll get over it. Remember it would be most unladylike of you to simply make a direct grab for your horse’s part. Give the horse a clue about what’s on the program. Rest your hand against his belly, and then slide it back till you are entering the Home of the Actual Private Part. When you reach this first region of your destination, lube him up good with Excalibur or whatever you are using.
5. If the outer part of his sheath is really grungy you will feel little clods and nubblies of smegma peeling off as you grope around in there. Patiently and gently expedite their removal. Thus far, you have probably only been in the outer part of the sheath. The Part itself, you’ll notice, is strangely absent. That’s because it has shyly retired to its inner chambers. Roll up your sleeves and follow in after it.
6. As you and Mr. Hand wend your way deeper into the sheath, you will encounter what feels like a small portal that opens up into a chamber beyond. Being attentive to your horse’s reaction, invite yourself in. You are now in the Inner Sanctum of the Actual Private Part. It’s hiding in there, towards the back, trying to pretend it isn’t there. Say hi, and wave to it. No, really, work your finger back and forth around the sides of it. If the horse won’t drop, this is your only shot at removing whatever dried smegma is clinging to the surface of the Part itself. So, gently explore around it, pulling out whatever crusty topsoil you find there. Use more water and more Excalibur if necessary to loosen attached gunk.
7. When Mr. Hand and the Actual Private Part have gotten to know each other pretty well, and the Part feels squeaky clean all around, there remains only one task: checking for and removing the bean. The bean is a pale, kidney-shaped accumulation of smegma in a small pouch just inside the urethra. Not all horses accumulate a bean, but IME [in my experience] the majority do, even if they have no visible external smegma. So: the equine urethra is fairly large in diameter, and will indeed permit you to very gently insinuate one of your slimmer fingers inside the urethral opening. Do so, and explore upwards for what will feel like a lump or “pea” buried no more than, I dunno, perhaps 3/4″ in from the opening. If you do encounter a bean, gently and sympathetically persuade it out with your finger. This may require a little patience from both Mr. Hand AND the horse, but the horse will be happier and healthier once it’s accomplished. In the rare event that the bean is too enormous for your finger to coax out, you might try what I did (in desperation) last month on the orange horse. Wrap thumb and index finger around the end of the Part and squeeze firmly to extrude the bean. Much to my surprise it worked and the orange horse did NOT kill me for doing it and he does not seem to have suffered any permanent damage as a result. I have never in my life seen another bean that enormous, though.
8. Now all that’s left to do is make a graceful exit and rinse the area very thoroughly in apology for the liberties you’ve taken. A hose will be MUCH easier to use here than a bucket and sponge, IME. Make sure to direct the water into the Part’s inner retreat too, not merely the outer part of the sheath. This may require you to enfold the end of the hose in your hand and guide it up there personally.
9. Ta-Da, you are done! say “good horsey” and feed him lots of carrots. Watch him make lots of funny faces at the way your hands smell. Hhhmmm. Well, perhaps there is ONE more step…
10. The only thing I know of that is at all effective in removing the lovely fragrance of smegma from your hands (fingernails, arms, elbows and wherever else it has gotten) is Excalibur. Even then, if you didn’t use gloves you may find you have an unusual personal perfume for a while. So, word to the wise, do NOT clean your horse’s sheath just before an important job interview or first date. And of course, there is the FINAL step…
11. Figure out how to explain all this to your mother (or the kid next door, or the meter reader, or whoever else you’ve just realized has been standing in the barn doorway speechlessly watching the whole process.)

Now, go thou forth and clean the Part.

(Copyright 1998 Patricia Harris; please email pat_berto@yahoo.com for permission to reprint)

How bad can it be, really? For me, I mean.